The Faux Romance

In the past few columns, I’ve written about various attributes of healthy relationships. I’ve noted the unique courage of same-sex couples, the profound honesty of such icons as Christopher Isherwood and Don Bachardy, and even constructive ways to establish open relationships. I’ve not devoted much time, however, to looking at unhealthy relationships. Here, then, are some thoughts on one type of unhealthy relationship that I suspect is commonly experienced.

Relationships can go off track in so many ways, but I think the greatest risk for many LGBTQ folks lies in our varied responses to fear, especially our fear of rejection. It’s no surprise, really. Getting rejected at any age is pretty rough, but getting rejected as a gay child can be overwhelming. Not only does our tender age ill-equip us for dealing with this, but the rejection we experience is often amplified by ostracism, ridicule, harassment, humiliation, violence and shame. Our families aren’t always good sources of support when such events occur, and some may actually contribute to the problem. Flooded by these experiences, many of us develop remarkably creative strategies to insure that no one will reject us, and we carry these strategies into our adulthood. As adults, we therefore forge relationships that are organized more by the fear of rejection than the courage of closeness. We are safe in them, but we are not truly present. Over the years, some of my clients have named this pattern of relationships “The Faux Romance.” As its name implies, The Faux Romance is no more real than an Italian countryside painted on a wall. It fades with time and lacks dimension, but it tricks us into believing, at least for a moment, that something is really there.

You may know the Faux Romance in various forms. Here are a few I’ve known:

The Fantasy

The Fantasy relationship takes place within our own mind and is never expressed to the other. Many of us, for example, have surely had the experience of falling madly and silently for someone who is straight, not interested, or otherwise completely unavailable. Perhaps it’s someone we work with, live near, or see on the train every morning. The Fantasy relationship, however, becomes an obsession. Fearing that person will reject us or worse, we love them from afar. We never share our desire with our object no matter how tempting; we dare not break the spell. In our heads, however, we carry on, measuring the tone of their “hello’s,” and “good-bye’s,” watching for the slightest indication of flirtation, and sensitive to the faintest hint of rejection. In perpetual awe and angst, we dream of that person without their knowledge. In control of our own fantasy, we are never truly rejected. We deceive no one, of course, but ourselves.

The Illusion

The Illusion relationship looks like something real, but isn’t very real at all. Two people may go out together, have sex with each other, and even live together, but without any real intimacy. The couple will consistently avoid conflict or difficult conversations, hold secrets from each other, and even maintain illusory relationships with others at the same time. Sometimes, it may feel as though one partner has cast another in his/her play. The script is already written; everyone just has to play their part. The Illusion provides a performance of intimacy obtained through the routine physical presence of another, or by simply maintaining appearances. As a result, we don’t have to feel lonely or rejected; we just have to agree to not do or discuss anything that could shatter the illusion. In fact, we are not really there.

The Deal

In this variation of the Faux Romance, the Deal is pretty simple: one partner compensates another with money, material goods, and/or increased socio-economic status. In exchange, the other agrees not to leave. One fosters financial dependency and, in the process, perhaps even impairs a partner’s emotional strength. In this way, we play out a fantasy of commitment and love, when in fact we’ve simply purchased rejection insurance. It’s a raw deal based on a kind of control, and it banishes truth. We may act as if money and all that it can buy have no bearing on the relationship at all, but it is truly the black hole that holds another person in place.

Though these strategies may be unhealthy, it is important to remember that they come from our healthy, albeit thwarted longing to love and be loved. We are simply trying to find a way to connect and still feel safe from rejection and loss. Ultimately, these strategies fail, for the surest path for overcoming those massive fears instilled in us in childhood is to be loved beyond our defenses and strategies, beyond our facades and plays. When we can courageously embrace the possibility of rejection rather than try to manage it, we prepare ourselves for love. The Faux Romance, in all its forms, lacks the healing grace of being loved and accepted for who we truly are. It is, therefore, better left alone.


Bruce Koff, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and COO of Live Oak, a group of psychotherapists and consultants who provide counseling and educational services that enhance the emotional and psychological well being of individuals, families, organizations and communities. Bruce specializes in clinical practice with LGBT individuals and their families. E-mail: bkoff@liveoakchicago.com Website: www.liveoakchicago.com Blog: www.couplesconnecting.blogspot.com .

Copyright © 2009 by Bruce Koff, LCSW